This is my first entry, if that's what they are called here. I'm new to this so I really hope I don't do anything stupid. Since I'm human though I'm sure I will. There are too many things going on in my life for me to keep track of right now and it overwhelms me. I know I have a tendency to fixate too on one topic longer then I need to. But that's one of the reasons I decided to start this anyway, to help me keep track of things and separate what matters from the trivial drivel that many people might not care about or want to spend their valuable time reading through, hoping to find something useful.
First off, I'm single, meaning I'm not married. I'm also not really in a steady, recognized relationship. I live with someone I care about and it will be 6 years in June that we have co-habitated, but for his sake more so then mine, any mention of us being in a relationship is avoided. I'm 40 years old as of September 2010 and I have six children and one grand child.
One of the reasons I'm starting this, is my youngest child, Viktor. He just turned four in March 2011. In June 2010 he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Now which disorder or syndrome he happens to have that falls on to the spectrum I don't know. What I do know is he is mostly non verbal. He has words he can say, but generally only uses them to mimic what he has heard other people say. He sometimes can ask for things like oat meal, cereal, water, juice or milk and fluctuates between being able to tell me when he needs a new diaper. He rocks, stims on his hands and fingers and spinning things and walks on his toes most of the time. He takes part in the Early Intervention Special Education Pre-School in the school district that we live in and goes to class twice a week for two hours. I'm hoping to hear back soon from OHSU and their CDRC program that he has been accepted into it, which will provide him with more intensive therapy and me with a support structure I currently don't have. As challenging as it can be having a child with ASD, he is a joy to me and the sweetest, happiest little boy anyone could ask for.
I've also recently become aware that I have a binge or over eating disorder. I'm a compulsive eater, even eating when I don't need to or even want to. It's sometimes the only way I know how to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness or sometimes even being happy. There have been times I've nearly eaten myself sick. I can tell you it isn't fun. I can also tell you as desperately ass I want to stop and only eat when is necessary, I can't help myself. Some would call it a lack of control. These people really don't make me feel any better about it. I feel disgusted with myself for not having any control. I really don't like food, but for most of my life, it's been the only source of comfort I've had to turn to.
When I was growing up, my siblings and I were actually lucky to have food. And the amount of food we did get was one of those eat now or go hungry situations. When your mother refused to work, your father couldn't find decent employment, both parents were also compulsive eaters (they couldn't go without their Mt. Dew or Pepsi/Dr. Pepper and ice cream, donuts, cakes and candy, even when their children were starving) and there were 8 other people fighting (yes, literally fighting) over the food that there was, if you didn't eat when food was there, it might be a week or more before you got anything decent to eat again.
Essentially, eating this way most of my childhood, led me to have a love hate relationship with food. I loved it when it was there and never felt secure unless my cupboards, freezer and refrigerator were literally over flowing with food. I hated it when I had to eat it and when what I had in my bulging cupboards started to dwindle (as it got eaten as that is really what food is for) I would start to panic and feel a desperate need to go grocery shopping again. I have a hard time throwing food away, even if it's food nobody is going to eat. I keep it anyway because you never know when that food might be all that's left and eating it might just save your life.
I've come to recognize that I eat sweet things (cookies, candy, cake, and other desserts) when I feel lonely. When I'm anxious or depressed, I want salty, crispy things like chips, french fries, even crackers will suffice even though it isn't my preferred choice. I get stuck in ruts of self loathing where I will find myself eating whatever there happens to be, be it healthy or unhealthy food, trying to fill the void that food will never be able to fill. So admitting you have a problem, as they say, is the first step toward recovery. I know I have a problem, but how do you overcome an addiction to something that is necessary to survive? I don't know, if anyone has any clues, please let me know.
I have other things that are concerns to me and I will bring them up as they become less overshadowed by my current realization of my food addiction. As always is the case, my son Viktor and autism are a constant part of my life. That doesn't go away anymore then an addiction does. It's possible that one is exacerbating the other too. Since stress, loneliness, fear and any other emotion really triggers the compulsive eating, finding myself as a parent of a child with autism is the worst thing for me. Just being in this situation causes isolation. Since children with autism can become overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and smells around them, going outside of their familiar home can become a literal sensory assault for them. This can result in a meltdown of screaming, kicking an slapping which makes people stare and wonder why I'm such a bad parent. Obviously I can't explain to everyone who stares that he has autism, so I do my best to continue as I have been until I can remove Viktor from the source of the sensory overload and back where he feels comfortable again. I think it's natural to want to limit the amount of these uncomfortable situations so I don't leave the house unless absolutely necessary. When I was working it wasn't so much of an issue. However, I lost my job in October 2010 and since we are in the middle of the worst recession since the great depression, finding employment is difficult at best. Not to mention that since Viktor is my child, I feel a tremendous responsibility to stay home and care for him so others don't have to.
What makes this probably worse then anything is that I'm an extrovert. I enjoy other people's company, possibly because it allows me to feel a little closer to normal and not so much of a loser. I've been told over and over all my life that happiness and self esteem have to come from inside. If that is the case, I don't think I will ever feel happy or worth anything. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing to show for living here and taking up space for 40 years and no talents that are worth anything either. I am literally a waste of flesh and it would be better for everyone if I just died and was gone. I wouldn't be here taking up space anymore and nobody would have to worry about carrying my dead weight or taking care of me. I don't think I'm capable of caring for myself. It was kind of a mistake for me to have children, but they are already here and it's a little late to back out now. Had I realized these things about me before I got pregnant, I might have been able to keep that from happening and wouldn't have subjected 6 innocent people to me as a mother.
I think I need to go now before this gets anymore depressing. Thanks for reading, if you did. Hopefully reading about my crap of an existence helped someone else realize they aren't that bad after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment